Jared's Thoughts

(updated last part on Dec 20)

Aside from the spiritual path one takes, no other decision matters in life as much as who you marry.  It is said 90% of your happiness or misery will come from this one decision.

So how does one make such a decision, or to marry at all?  Here are my thoughts:

Compatibility of Life Journeys

Being alone has its advantages, namely independence.  As a single, I could move anywhere, do anything, be a bum, or be a workaholic, and nobody would be severely impacted.  Married, I would want to live in the same place as my wife and be a responsible provider to her and potentially a family.

I am quite dedicated to God, and trust Him enough to change the path I am on.  If He told me to sell all I had and be a missionary to Africa for the rest of my life, I would like to think I would do it.  (Africa is just a cliche.  Just as possible, He could tell me to switch careers and move to Asia.)  I know it could be a really hard emotional decision, but He has earned enough trust with me to be able to convince me that I would ultimately be happier, in this life and the next.  (I know He would still love me and bless me if I said no and still followed Him in other ways, but I know enough to know it’s not worth considering.)

If I had a wife, it would be really good if, when I felt God leading me and us somewhere, she was open to us being led by the Holy Spirit (as the Bible instructs), and much better, hear God for herself, to be led and so we could confirm things together.  I believe every Christian can (and non-Christians can too), and lately I am around Christians who believe this and live this.

Compatibility of God’s Plan, and What kind of life will you have?

That leads to the question, if God knows which paths in life are best for us, He also knows who would make a good life companion for us along that path.

What does life hold?  Will it simply be a typical North American family, living in peace, enjoying one anothers’ company?  Enjoying long walks on the beach?  Taking the kids to soccer?  Bringing home the bacon?  If so, perhaps there are many potential match-ups that God could bless.  I like to think there is a great amount of potential for love in any marriage.  (Sometimes personalities seem difficult after being married a while, but I still like to believe that love never fails, love will find a way, and take my admittedly optimistic naivety as a challenge to see how two people could discover each other in a way that they could fall back in love.)

But what if there is there a big important endeavour you will take on in life that would end in failure, unless a particular spouse with unique traits is there to help you through?  Or what if there will be some single critical difficult situation in your life that He has prepared a particular person to help you grow in your character, so that you can get through that situation?  Or does God know that if you wait for a person you will meet a little later, they will satisfy you much more deeply than anyone you have yet to meet?   If any of these are the case, you would probably appreciate it if God steered you towards the person (and away from others,) or somehow put that person in your path.

Wisdom versus Direction

There are two philosophies possible here: heed wisdom but do whatever seems right to you, and God will bless it (either because He will bless anything, or He will see where you’re headed arrange things for the best for you,) or at the extreme opposite, there is only one person in God’s perfect plan for your life, and if you miss it you are doomed.

I don’t like either extreme, but I believe He will lead us to the extent we let Him (and sometimes He gets our attention, sometimes through painful circumstances, to convince us to let Him lead us.)  He could lead us in either way, or both.  He could lead by wisdom and having the joy of discovering the details of life out as we go, or He could lead by a more specific guidance, and let us have the joy of a precious gift brought to us, from a loving Father who specifically knows our innermost desires.  I don’t think either joy is inherently better than the other: I am a romantic and also find joy that God enjoys variety when crafting love stories for His people.

For people who think they lean toward one style, God may even slip in the other: those who are led by wisdom may have the wisdom illuminated and brought to the forefront of the mind by the Holy Spirit at timely times, to give a warning or say go for it.  Those who feel God often leads them directly in many areas of their lives may make incidental choices that happen to be an expression of wisdom, and set them up for better circumstances.

God may know the future, but it is still ours to discover, and our choices still shape what comes.  So I do not worry about the paradox of free will versus determinism (and the idea that everything that will happen is already decided and therefore doesn’t matter).

If  we feel God leads us, do we really know what will happen?

If we think God is leading us specifically towards or away from someone, we must still proceed with humility and wisdom.

I often think of God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.  Abraham was prepared to do it, but then at the last moment God said ‘just kidding!’  (Ok, that is not a direct quote.)  But if Abraham had said a few hours earlier “by this time tomorrow, Isaac will be dead”, he would have been wrong, even though God told him exactly what to do: to kill him!

The important thing seems to be, after you have asked God to bless your life and submitted your life to Him so He can bless it, that you follow Him however He leads.  He can be trusted.

Note: If you are engaged and hoping God will say “just kidding!” at the wedding altar, I would be concerned.  But I know Jesus also said “whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”   (I’m not just a romantic — I must also be a dramatic romantic, to have situations like that pop into my mind.)

If we feel God leads us, do we really know when or how it will happen?

God promised Abraham and Sarah an heir, but they tried to make it happen in their own way, in their own time, using a surrogate mom, and it was the wrong approach.  It seemed impossible otherwise, but “with God, all things are possible.”  Even though Sarah was laughably post-menopausably old, God made her fertile and so she had a son named laughter (Isaac.)

So not only do we need humility in case God says “just kidding, I was testing you and will give you something better,” but we need to trust Him step by step, day by day for how He leads in that day.  Running out ahead of Him and His plan will cause unnecessary difficulty and detours in our lives.

Seeking pleasure, or seeking love?

I went through a period of depression in my life, for 7 years, not because of a chemical imbalance.  I was disappointed in what the world had to offer, to sum it up.  I had had enough of life, and would have ended it, had God not shown me He had a purpose for it.

But I discovered the joy of love, but more importantly, being loved by God.  This is important.

What do we have to give as human beings?  Well, take a man and a woman, and they can fulfill one another’s sexual lusts.  Is that love? No — but there could be love.  I am glad God put that motivation out there so that people would discover intimate love.  There could also be tax benefits.  So thanks, government.  (Yes I did just put sex and taxes in the same paragraph.)

As a Christian, I’m not supposed to be driven by lusts.  ’I am no longer a slave to sin, but to righteousness’ according to Romans 6.  But then Paul in 1 Cor 7 says “I say to the unmarried … that it is good if they remain [single].  But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion”  and “I wish all men were [single].”

So it’s good not to marry…. umm thanks Paul.

This verse has stuck with me over the years.  I took it as a challenge, not to be led into marriage by lust.  After all, I’m not a slave to it anymore, according to the Bible.  At times I went too far, refusing to acknowledge beauty or companionship in women at all.  Some parts of life would be easier and simpler if we were all androgynous — for me, more deep but innocent and playful friendships that I maybe missed in childhood would still be possible.   But it’s good that we grow up into adulthood with distinctive gender traits.  Thanks to biology, God didn’t have to nudge me too hard to say to me one day “hey look, this is good!  I made womankind for you!”  (Which then of course forced me to rebalance my purity filters to survive in our pornographic, sex-overdosed culture — sigh.  But with Him it is more than doable!)

So No Lust?  What’s the Point?

Back to love, depression, and purpose on earth….

I have come to believe our purpose is nothing less, and perhaps nothing more, than to enjoy being loved by God.  Everything we do in life can flow out of being loved by God.  I have not yet learned to see all of life this way, but this view is taking over my life, and I know it is the way to live.

I grew up in a church culture that somehow  let me or led me to believe I had to perform for God in order to feel I was fulfilling my end of the bargain with regards to not getting torched in Hell when my time here is up.   I didn’t want God to be mad at me.

I still ask Him from time to time, “why do You love me so much?”  There is no answer, because it is a nonsensical question.  He *is* love.

*He* fulfilled the obligation when He died on the cross for my (much) less than perfect life.  Now He wants me to realize that in Him, I’m free.  He made a whole universe for me to discover, and gave me tools to create and express, and most amazing of all, He loves me because He likes me, and He wants to be my friend — a deep, satisfying two way friendship, full of the most rich kinds of all sorts of colours of love.  It’s exhilirating.

The One who made me knows how to make me happy, and I make Him happy because that’s why He made me.

Now, I don’t care if I’m on this wretched disaster we call planet earth, because this relationship transcends that.  Humanity made a mess of this place, and continues to do so, both on a grand scale, and with people in my life, on big and little disappointments.  (And I of course disappoint others.)   I have high standards in some things in life, but if people don’t live up to them, so what?  You can disappoint my standards, but you can’t disappoint me anymore.  (I love you.)

I don’t care anymore.  I don’t need it anymore.  I have something — someone better.

So back to lust one last time, the good news for everyone in some kind of sin or lust is that God gave us all the desires we have, and wants to fulfill them — and He knows the best way, so we just have to trust Him.  It’s so good.  John Piper, a famous Christian teacher has a famous line “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him,” and talks about ‘Christian hedonism.’  I believe it.  It’s also orthodox Christianity.

God is so good, why bother with anything else?

Does all this mean I don’t care about life?  Why care about anyone or anything on earth?  Why not just be a God junkie?

Honestly, I could.   I have spent a lot of time doing nothing but thinking with Him.  One time, I went on a trip to a place I was looking forward to exploring, and I ended up not feeling like doing anything other than sitting in a room and spending time with God.  It was so weird, at the time, but it was still sinking in — nothing can compare to God.

Once in a while, with me just laying there, God does something to move to make me feel so good, like ecstasy.  I think, “maybe highs from drugs are something like this.”  I don’t think of going to drugs for an encore, because for me, ecstasy can only ever be compelling when it is a person, as opposed to when it is a pill.  (Even if such moments of affectionate bliss are rare, for now.)

But at some point, it is like you breathe God in, and He is in you.  Inseparable.

It is a joy to dream, and to do.  To feel strong, to feel alive, vibrant in life, fully appreciating every goodness.

It is also a joy to give.

… God gave me so much.  I have so much.  I don’t need anything. …

I see someone, and I think, “wouldn’t it be wonderful if they could feel as good as I feel, and to see what I see?”  I want to give them a hug and tell them they are loved, until they know God loves them.  Sometimes it’s hard to physically connect, but there is always prayer, and when you feel inseparable from God, prayers said out of a desire to love, to give a spiritual hug, really feel like they accomplish something.

This Love …and Marriage?

So life can be wonderful: enjoying God, enjoying living life, dreaming, doing, giving, praying.  Life seems so full.  So marriage?  Something new and more complicated and mysterious?

But I think that it’s perfect:  To have a full life, satisfied in oneself, generous toward others, and in a place of total obedience to God and dedication to His kingdom.

…but then still overflowing so much to have the strength and desire to pour one’s full focus into one special someone.

…and God still overflowing in His power and goodness so much that it is His favour to bless two of His servants and friends with marriage.

To find favour with God in finding a wife, yet still being devoted to God would be a paradox except made this possible through His goodness.  Perhaps this is the most joyful revelation in marriage as a gift to a beloved son and daughter of God.

Marriage

How marvelous is this kind of love — while there are limits to the depth of love for others who come and go, and never get too close — to be free to be to one soul a love unrestrained, a love that is by its nature not enough unless it is too much: an ever-unfolding unconditional love to her who is deemed always and forever perfect without reason.

And how great is it to be one who is loved:  to be caught in permanent assurance of love without precondition, an expansive refuge, invited to explore from the depths of one’s soul to the ends of the world with honest abandon, knowing that no matter how far she wanders, her lover will pursue her; no matter how much she pushes, he can not be injured; no matter how deeply she naps, he is faithful to awaken her to new life; and no matter how much she forgets her own worth during all her adventurous discoveries, there will always be one waiting to remind her she is the most cherished of all.

It is the culmination and union of two already-fulfilled purposes: to bring unending delight to one other.